hanbin tries to imagine what he would be like without bobby in his life.
he sorts through his thoughts and memories, picks them up and organizes them. targets bobby in each one of them - every single influenced decision and every single shared experience. hanbin imagines the last three years without bobby. where he never snuck out of the dorms to go eat snacks, where he never changed a lyric as per bobby's suggestion.
eventually, hanbin paints enough of a picture to realize this person who is supposed to be hanbin himself - is someone he doesn't recognize at all. a stranger he'd pass on the street without a second glance.
it almost scares hanbin. on the surface, it's hard to tell all the ways bobby has fit certain shapes into hanbin's life. look any further than that and you can't deny it.
(hanbin is the ocean.
and bobby is the moon that pushes and pulls it.)
hanbin is in the middle of a kill streak - sixteen and counting, seventeen if he makes this next shot perfectly - when bobby appears seemingly out of nowhere and collapses onto the couch. hanbin startles and his precise hold on the analog stick falters, making him miss his target by a hair.
bobby rests his head on hanbin's thighs, face framed between hanbin's arms holding his controller. hanbin drops his gaze for the tv down to glare at bobby and finds the other boy already pouting. "what?" hanbin asks.
bobby's beanie is starting to slip off his head, going crooked and exposing one of his ears. he makes a move as if to grab it and tug it back down, but hanbin beats him too it. he settles the hat on bobby's head, fingertips brushing just barely against bobby's neck as hanbin pulls his hand away.
"play super smash brothers with me?" bobby says afterwards. hanbin blinks down at him, once and then twice. then he turns his attention back to the tv and unpauses his game.
hanbin's focus is already loss to racking up his kill streak again before he replies with, "no, i'm busy."
bobby huffs. on screen, hanbin ducks behind a wall to avoid loosing anymore health while here - in real life, on this couch, with real heat and weight - bobby makes a sulking noise and buries his face in the soft flesh of hanbin's tummy.
there is some familiarity to this kind of intimacy, though hanbin still sucks in a breath. his finger fumbles and he hits the wrong button, ends up crouching instead of firing his own weapon. he can feel bobby's small puffs of air on his skin through the thin fabric of his t-shirt, raising goosebumps in their wake.
hanbin pauses the game again, tossing the controller onto the floor. "what are you doing?" he asks, looking down at bobby. the other boy peeks a single eye out, pouting expression gone. usually, it would be replaced with a look of satisfaction and bobby scrambling to switch the games over so he could beat hanbin eight times in a row before letting him win a few but. but this time bobby's face is unreadable.
everything feels very still, minutes pass like hours and the dorm is too quiet.
bobby lifts himself up so he's balanced on the arm of the couch, sliding up so his lower back is what is pressed against hanbin's thighs. he balances himself with one elbow and his other arm reaches out, curls around the back of hanbin's neck. his fingers catch on the dusting of hairs back there, before bobby pulls hanbin forward so he can kiss him.
hanbin makes a half-hearted sound of protest. but everyone is asleep and the room is dark and bobby's mouth is soft but firm where it's pressed against hanbin's. the protest melts off into a sigh and hanbin curls a hand around bobby's hip to keep him close.
(this isn't the first time, it won't be the last.
it used to be this only ever happened after days straight without sleep. after they had finally finished song, rounded off a beat or found just the right way to stick cut up pieces of old lyrics into shiny new ones. when the only thing keeping them from sleep is the amount of empty cans of energy drinks spilling out of the trash can. when they could blame things on stuff like lack of sleep and caffeine abuse. a fuzz in the back of their brain like an old tv.
they used to stay up and watch youtube clips - things like skating wipeouts and indie rapper diss tracks. and bobby always laughed a little louder the sleepier he got, eyes half-lidded and his feet in hanbin's lap.
the kissing would happen sometime in the last few hours before hanbin and bobby would crawl into bed. where bobby would pull his feet out of hanbin's lap and replace it with his full weight and hanbin would nearly think things like how hip hop is it to make out with your best friend? with the thoughts always getting lost after he felt the way bobby's thighs framed his own.)
hanbin doesn't think it's a secret, no matter how much he would like to convince himself that it is. maybe yunghyeong and junhoe are none the wiser. somewhere in his gut he thinks donghyuk is observant enough to notice something like this, hanbin's not sure.
but hanbin has no doubt that jinhwan knows. the number of things you can keep from someone you've spent nearly every moment with for three years is a small list. fooling around with another person the two of you have spent nearly every moment with for three years is not on it.
jinhwan never says anything. at least, hanbin thinks, he can be thankful for that. but there's always a weight in his gaze and an edge to the looks he gives hanbin when bobby's fingers linger around the curve of hanbin's wrist too long. or when bobby, ever the generous and the playfully loving hyung, feeds hanbin a mouthful of meat from his own plate.
"you're too skinny," bobby will say, hanbin dutifully chewing beside him. jinhwan won't say anything. he won't have to, the silence stretching out of him saying all it has to. hanbin can hear jinhwan's voice in his head saying things like be careful and do you know what are you doing?
hanbin would try and convey words like i'm sorry but and sometimes we just, only hanbin's not sure how to finish either of those sentences.
i don't know
, is all he can hope to try and say back. the only thing he'll be able to say and mean it.
bobby loves people like no one hanbin has ever seen before. he understands familial love from growing up, the feeling that filled him up the day his sister was born. and hanbin understands the way that friends love from how he teases yunhyeong, from the way his heart aches a little when he has to be harsh with donghyuk. from the way donghyuk inevitably understands hanbin just wants him to do his best.
bobby's love is unique. large and fearless and almost terrifying. it dwarfs any feeling hanbin has ever had himself, possibly all of them put together. to people that bobby loves and understand how they want to love him back, it's easy to accept. to someone who's as unsure as hanbin, it's overwhelming.
hanbin is always afraid bobby thinks he's putting more of his own effort into - into this, this thing - than he's getting back. because he is. because sometimes he touches hanbin like he's something precious and fragile, talks to hanbin in a low tone he never uses with anybody else. reserves certain facial expressions for just hanbin, special enough that hanbin doesn't think he'd ever want to let anyone else see them.
and then there's hanbin, who can't even form words properly or find a name for what they are or swallow around the lump in his throat at anybody finding out about him. it's a disservice to the love bobby is trying to give him, handing to hanbin with both hands outstretched and comforting smile on his face.
hanbin wishes he could grab it, tuck it away in his pocket and keep it on him at all times. but every time he makes a move to grab it something stops him.
(there are parts of bobby even hanbin doesn't quite know the insides and outs of. which is unfair, hanbin thinks, because in front of bobby hanbin always feels stripped bare.)
hanbin tries not to shy away from using bobby's real name.
it's personal and delicate, something he has to cup gently with both hands, but whenever someone lets it slip out it makes bobby's whole demeanor soften. hanbin thinks it's because only his family really calls him that. that that name pulls some kind of pavlovian response, a feeling of comfort and safety, from bobby.
which is why - thought he shies away from using it regularly - hanbin still calls him jiwon, soft-voiced and soft-faced. because in some, if not all respects, hanbin is bobby's family. and this is his home.
so when bobby tip toes into hanbin's room at night and cups his face and both hands and kisses him, hanbin lets "jiwon hyung" slip out of his mouth. it's so quiet hanbin's almost sure bobby didn't even hear him. then hanbin feels bobby tense up for a split second, before his muscles relax again and now he's kissing hanbin harder, nosing along his jawline, pressing his lips to hanbin's pulse point in his neck.
hanbin hopes it was the right thing to say.
bobby is the moon, hung large and low and beautiful in the sky above hanbin, who is the ocean trapped beneath it.